Dear Friends and Family,
Matthew Neil Budge passed away peacefully last night, Wednesday September 24, at 10:20pm. He was attended by his parents, his aunt (a nurse), and me.
I have realized for a while that this particular entry would fall to me. The time to think has not helped at all in knowing what to say. Do I say goodbye or do I ask for help to staunch the bleeding of this mortal wound? They say the heart will heal, with time. There may come a point when this interior pain moves from stabbing, to throbbing, to aching, to intermittent, to an occasional twinge. I hope so. I have a feeling my heart will heal into a new one entirely. The old one goes with Matt.
And yet… the sun came up this morning and the mountains flushed rose. Their flanks are a riot of orange, greens, and reds. Autumn makes itself known today in color and light and that wonderful brisk hint of chill that is more of a smell than a feeling. This has been my favorite time of year since Matt and I were married twelve Octobers ago and made our first home in the shadows of these very mountains, rich with fall. What years they have been! That first spring brought our son Nathanael, ten weeks premature and determined to make his mark on the world. His dad could hold that baby in his cupped hands. The following year we welcomed Sariah in the summertime and her sunshine blessed our life. Her dad said having a daughter made him want to be a better man. Another year brought Bekah in February, our sweetheart just before Valentine’s. Her dad aptly named her Joy. Rachel joined us in the chill of winter. Her dad named her Dawn for the light that crested the mountains the Sabbath morning of her birth, and for her mama. In gratitude we welcomed Hannah just after Thanksgiving, the fulfillment of the Lord’s promises and the apple of her Daddy’s eye. A year ago last spring came Caleb, known to us in a dream years prior. His dad had dreamed our family and knew Caleb was coming, last to join us. At his birth the doctors said I would have no more children. One year later, to the day, the doctors said Matt would not live out the year.
Today feels a little like Christmas. I woke this morning between two wiggly daughters, with two more in the room and two sons joining shortly. We talked and cried and laughed and snuggled and had cold cereal with grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins… in our PJs. Today feels like a holiday where the time is not measured 2 o clock, 3 o clock, time for homework, time for bed… somehow holiday time is not measured at all. Today we eat and sleep and talk and plan and play and remember. It seems Matt is simply resting somewhere after lunch while the children run outside and I catch up on the computer. There is a sense of peace and a strong presence of love. He is not far.
Soon I will need to face the coming decades of my life. But not yet. For now we cling to the warmth of family and the love of our Matthew. Of the few things I know, one is that our marriage did not end last night with his breathing. We are sealed, bonded in an eternal unit unbreakable by the frailties of mortality. He loves me, and with a broken heart, I surely love him. Our children belong to us through ties this world cannot touch. As certainly as the sun rose this morning to touch the mountains and my heart, we will rise one morning reunited past time and into eternity, in joy and inseparable.
Thank you all for your love, your kindness, and especially your prayers. We have witnessed many miracles and I am profoundly grateful for your faith that has made them possible. Please join us Sunday evening for a viewing 6-8pm, and Monday morning 8:30-9:30am, with a 10am funeral at the Lehi 34th ward chapel, and grave dedication following at the Lehi City Cemetery, Utah. Your continued faith, prayers, support and love mean more than I can say. Please pray for our children.
With love,
Crystal Budge (and Matt)
The Lehi 34th Ward Chapel is located at 1631 E 900 N, Lehi, Utah, 84043.
